I know this is the part where I should fall on the ground, bang my fists and wail loudly. I know this is when tears should gush out from the invisible holes in my eyes. This is when I should give up food and sleep overcome by a deep melancholia. Why then am I staring blank at a computer screen feeling nothing in particular? Why is it that my voice don’t choke in my throat and instead, answers the calling bell, smiling at my little neighbour kid? Why is it that I offer to babysit him instead of throwing a tantrum and getting someone to babysit me?? Looks like, this time I am not gonna play my usual role – Miss Cry Baby 20XX. Honestly, I seem to have got bored of it.
But no. I know I should feel bad now. It is a genuine need. This is how anyone is expected to react. What I am doing now is definitely NOT normal. I have tried playing the saddest songs I know. Watched sappy movies. Read the worst of cheap fiction available on the internet. I have tried pinching myself. All just to make a single drop of tear come out of my eyes. To establish some sense of normalcy. Why is my mind being so obstinate? Why cant I feel upset?. May be I should try to feel upset over the fact that I am not feeling upset.
I think of you then. I think of all the good moments we had. I seek help from the bittersweet memories. I feel I am insulting them by refusing to shed a tear. Please don’t mistake me, I am trying, I honestly am. I want to feel sad about you. Believe me. So I think of your deceit. Now, that should do the trick, doesn’t it? Like always? Yes. I am thinking now. With full concentration. Gathering as much leftover hurt I can gather. Alas! It doesn’t even amount to a handful. Where has it all gone? May be I should try getting help from the latest insult you hurled at me. You have taken great effort, sinking so low, all to see my tear. No, it shouldn’t go waste. I am trying to help you. But nothing seem to be working. Neither the songs, nor the movies, nor the stories. Not even the memories! I cant find the hurt you left behind. And I don’t have a tear to offer you.
I have done the best I can do. But I don’t feel sad anymore. Sorry.
With best wishes,